


god does not play dice with the universe (but he does play pranks)

by psychedaleka



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drabble, Multi, Tolkien Crack Week 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25824802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychedaleka/pseuds/psychedaleka
Summary: A series of short stories for Tolkien Crack Week.1) Maedhros announces his betrothal. Fëanor is less than pleased.2) Gil Galad is Elured. Thingol has some words.3) Moments before the drowning of Numenor.4) Annatar failed to seduce Gil Galad and Galadriel. Here's why.5) Sauron wins. Now what?6) Lammoth: Melkor/Ungoliant.7) Hallmark movie Melkor/Mairon/Celebrimbor.
Relationships: Annatar/Celebrimbor | Telperinquar, Celebrimbor | Telperinquar/Morgoth Bauglir | Melkor/Sauron | Mairon, Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo, Morgoth Bauglir | Melkor/Ungoliant
Comments: 84
Kudos: 115
Collections: Tolkien Crack Week 2020





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [上帝不掷骰子（但是他搞恶作剧）](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25860178) by [febbb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/febbb/pseuds/febbb)



A New Year’s celebration. Everyone who’s anyone is there—the entire house of Finwë included.

The light of the Trees mingles, and participants have feasted and drank for hours. Fëanor, in particular, is more than a little drunk (he needs it to deal with Fingolfin).

"May I have your attention please?” Maedhros—Maitimo, really, but is something so pesky as names and time going to stop us? no—raps a fork against his glass.

“Fingon and I are betrothed,” he announces.

“You can’t do that!” Fëanor slurs. “That’s—incest! He’s family!”

“Oh, so now you admit they’re family,” Maedhros says.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gil Galad is Elured. Thingol has some words.

Gil Galad’s re embodiment had been met with a great deal of gossip, betting, and generic noisiness (as immortals with an eye out for family drama are wont to do).

Gil Galad, of course, had neither confirmed nor denied any of the theories, and, for the most part, kept to himself. (He didn’t want to admit he didn’t know either.)

It wasn’t until Maedhros was re-embodied that he sought out Thingol.

“Forgive me for asking after your parentage—”

“Gil Galad Ereinion, born Elured son of Dior.”

A bow.

“Are you telling me my great grandson is the High King of the _Noldor_?!?”

“You’re my twin?” a six year old Elurin asks.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moments before the drowning of Numenor.

Tar-Mairon climbs the seemingly endless stairs of the Meneltarma. Seriously, when did there start to be so many? He must be getting old.  


Finally, the end: he ascends to find none other than—his arch nemesis, Tar-Miriel.

“Are you proud of what you’ve accomplished?” Tar-Miriel demands. “All the murder, the blasphemy—is there not enough blood on your hands? Must you send them to wage war upon Valinor too?”

“They’ve already left. See?”

“When will it be enough? When will you stop?”

“If God wants me to stop, he better stop me himself.”

Then the wave crashed down.

(He died.)


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annatar failed to seduce Gil Galad and Galadriel. Here's why.

Annatar means both lord of gifts and sugar daddy.

Gil Galad, who is married to his work and refuses to have children, much to the disappointment of his councillors— _given the limited life span of Noldorin High Kings one would imagine having an heir would be a good idea!!!_ —obviously refuses Annatar’s advances.

Galadriel, who is married to an elf called Teleporno—and for a good reason, she would add—does not like maiar thank you very much. All rumours about Melian are simply that: rumours.

Celebrimbor, who is young and single, and also shares several letters in his name with himbo, unfortunately inherited his father’s proclivities for blondes.

And the rest, they say, is history.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauron wins. Now what?

All was lost: Frodo was dead, and Gandalf too. They had been for more than a year. Sauron had taken possession of his Ring again, and Gondor was entirely overrun with orcs—its walls and buildings had been reduced to nothing more than smithereens months ago.

Aragorn and what motley band of Elves, Dwarves, and Men he could gather had been fighting a losing war for a very long time. And now, this was the end: the final battle.

Then: the sky darkened even further, and a miasma of despair fell upon the world, thick and cloying.

 _So this is it,_ Aragorn thought. _This is how Sauron wins._

Footsteps, heavy and thudding, echoed across the field, towards Aragorn—Sauron.

“Give up,” Sauron boomed, clad head to toe in black armour, no colour save for the glint of his gold Ring. “you’ve lost— I have been the ruler of Middle Earth for a year, now, and it is time for you to pay.”

“Pay for what?” Aragorn spat.

“Your taxes.”


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lammoth: Melkor/Ungoliant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note that i've changed the rating! also, this chapter discusses sex.
> 
> (cw: vore, asphyxiation)

Ungoliant is actually Melkor’s ex.

Melkor giving her all of his jewels is a metaphor for how men think that women take everything from them during divorces.

What Tolkien didn’t say in The Silmarillion is that after their argument about the jewels, they had angry sex.

See: “She enmeshed him in a web of clinging thongs to strangle him.”

Now, of course this could be taken as lots of spiderweb—or, we could read this literally, as Tolkien intended us to: Ungoliant had many thongs (the underwear) (please do not imagine a spider wearing multiple thongs) and she had an asphyxiation kink.

Melkor’s cry (later known as the Lammoth) was because the sex was just That Good.

Now, Mairon sent the Balrogs to interrupt them, not because he was afraid for his lord, but because he was jealous and wanted to catch his husband cheating on him.

Luckily for Melkor, the Balrogs reached him in time, because Ungoliant (as a spider, whose females usually eat their mates) has a vore kink (Melkor does not) and tried to eat him.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tragedies happen when characters are in the wrong genre. So, what would Mairon’s “right genre” be? A Christmas romcom, of course.
> 
> (Disclaimer: I haven’t actually watched any)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a slightly different format than previous shorts in that it's more crack treated seriously than joke and punchline.
> 
> the real crack is that i'm writing a modern au
> 
> slight cw for large age gap (no underage, but just. large age gap)

Starring:

 _Mairon Artáno_ , overworked engineer at Angband Enterprises, originally from the small town of Valinor. Engaged to his boss, Melkor Bauglir.

 _Melkor Bauglir_ , CEO of Angband, estranged from his family.

 _Aulë Artáno_ , father of Mairon, Manwë Sulimo’s best friend.

 _Manwë Súlimo_ , mayor of Valinor, father of Eonwë, Melkor’s fraternal twin.

 _Eönwë Súlimo_ , Mairon’s ex boyfriend.

 _Celebrimbor Finwion_ , grandson of the deceased genius Feanor, a civil engineer fixated on restoring Valinor as a lively small town.

* * *

So: Mairon is engaged to Melkor, and very much in love with him despite the significant age gap and fact that Melkor’s his boss.

A few days before Christmas, his estranged father Aulë calls him in a panic: Mairon’s teen brother Curumo has gone missing.

Mairon’s never gotten along with his father, but he remembers the younger brother who’s always looked at him with hero worship in his eyes.

So Mairon packs his bags, kisses Melkor goodbye, and returns home to Valinor.

His homecoming isn’t quite as pleasant as he’d hoped: he gets into an argument with Aulë almost immediately after he gets off the train— _it’s_ your _responsibility to look after your own son_ —and Mairon storms off into the night.

He hasn’t been home for years, and it’s changed more than he thought: Valinor had been a vibrant town then, fuelled by traffic from the highway. It had been bustling with activity, people walking through the streets, buildings lit up with signs and goods, a festival or special event seemingly happening every week.

But ever since the new highway was built, fewer and fewer people have been coming—and so many have been moving away. Lúthien’s son, for one, and his fashion company, and all his family and their employees—now gone. Shops and buildings are abandoned, storefronts left decrepit with nothing more than shelves of dust, flickering, poorly maintained lights. New roads were built, then abandoned to potholes and weeds, and old roads went out of use.

Valinor’s not a big place—it never has been—but with the new town layered over that in Mairon’s memories like a palimpsest, is it any surprise he gets lost?

A blizzard starts, and Mairon, still wearing his business formal, is ill prepared—he’d left all his luggage with Aulë, phone included.

He has no choice but to knock on the first door he sees: the house of one Celebrimbor Finwion, civil engineer.

Mairon’s not familiar with the Finwions—they lived a little north, in the community known as Formenos back when there were enough people that Valinor had to be divided into multiple neighbourhoods. He knows Feanor was a genius who had children and died early, and that his son Curufin had followed in his footsteps (except for the dying part).

Fëanor—Aulë’s contemporary—had a grandson a few years younger than Mairon.

Celebrimbor is in his house, still working despite the late hour—much to Mairon’s surprise and approval. Celebrimbor invites Mairon in—he doesn’t have a phone, since it distracts him from what he’s working on—and they begin to talk.

Mairon is, surprisingly, drawn to the young and ambitious engineer, who wants nothing more than to see Valinor as the lively town of his childhood, back when there was still life and light. Mairon, still in shock over how much has changed in the last decade, vows to help him.

They spend the night in pleasant conversation, and the next day comes but the blizzard doesn’t stop. They talk for the entire day, too, and Mairon’s shocked at how much he has to say to the young engineer. Mairon’s not much of a conversationalist—even a few hours of conversation usually exhausts him—but it’s been much longer and he’s still excited to continue.

The next day, they dig themselves out of the metres of snow, and Mairon returns to Aulë’s house. Yavanna and Aulë are worried sick for him, and they have yet another argument.

Mairon demands how they could claim to care and worry about him when they never seemed to do so during his childhood, leaving him to face the bullies at school and the solitude of years alone.

Aulë, incensed, retorts that he was only trying to save the town, working nearly round the clock in order to bring more business and new people—for _Mairon_ , he might add, to have a future. _How could you be so ungrateful_ , Aulë rages, and Mairon opens his mouth to speak but—

“Stop it!” yells sixteen year old Curumo, standing at the front door. “Why do you have to keep arguing like this? Aren’t we family?”

Curumo, it turns out, had wished every Christmas for his big brother to return home, and now that he’s old enough to not believe in Christmas miracles, decided to take matters into his own hands by running away to a friend of his, Olorin’s house.

Aulë and Yavanna vacate the living room, and Mairon and Curumo have a difficult conversation. Their childhoods were different ones, and they’re different people too, and Curumo’s hero, standing right in front of him, doesn’t exactly live up to his expectations.

Curumo cries. Mairon remains impassive.

The doorbell rings.

It’s Manwë, Aulë’s best friend, and his family—his wife Varda, and their two children Eönwë and Ilmarë. They’re here for lunch, as is traditional, and it’s a tense meal. Manwe doesn’t know what happened, but he and his son try their best to diffuse the tension—they fail.

Mairon volunteers to wash the dishes so he doesn’t have to speak to anyone except—Eönwe offers the same.

They’re in close proximity, and maybe Eönwë’s still not over their break up so long ago, but Mairon feels nothing. Their conversation is stilted, which only makes him long for Melkor—or Celebrimbor, surprisingly.

Problem solved—Curumo found—Mairon prepares to leave. Mairon offers to drive him to the train station, and he accepts.

There, he runs into Celebrimbor, who, disappointed, asks him if he’s leaving.

 _Yes_ , Mairon says.

 _Oh,_ Celebrimbor says. _I thought—well. I know we’ve only known each other for such a short time, but you made me feel as I never have, as though I could tackle whatever problem the world gave me. And I thought you would stay, to help me with Valinor_.

A train pulls up. Mairon should leave.

 _You make me feel the same way_ , Mairon says. _I wish I could help you, but I—I can’t stay here, not with my family like this. There’s too many bad memories here_.

 _We could… make new ones_? Celebrimbor suggests.

A pause.

 _I love you_ , Celebrimbor blurts.

Silence.

Someone hugs Mairon from behind.

 _Guess who_ , says Melkor.

Mairon turns his head, and Melkor kisses him.

 _It’s your favourite fiance_ , Melkor says.

 _You’re my only fiance_.

Celebrimbor leaves without another word, and Mairon can’t explain the deep sense of loss in his chest.

 _Come on_ , Melkor says, pushing Mairon towards the parking lot. _I wanna see how much this town has changed_.

Mairon barely has time to process that before—

 _Melkor?_ Manwë looks pale, as though he’s seen a ghost. _What are you doing here_?

As it turns out, they’re fraternal twins—which would explain why Mairon’s never made the connection. Melkor left very early, after graduating high school, desperate to get away from an overbearing father.

Mairon wonders how he’s going to explain this to Eönwë: oh, I’m dating your long lost uncle.

The tension skyrockets.

Manwe and Melkor have a shouting match. Aulë and Melkor have a tense conversation. Aulë tries to lecture Mairon on his romantic choices. Explaining to Eönwë is as awkward as he thought.

Celebrimbor is nowhere to be found.

Mairon, hesitantly, mentions Celebrimbor to Melkor.

 _Huh,_ he says, _I had a crush on Fëanor when we were in school. If you—we—were to date him, I’d feel like I was robbing the cradle._

Christmas Eve is spent in awkward tension.

Christmas Day comes. Outside, everything is covered in snow. Inside, everyone is in surprisingly good spirits.

There’s a bit of Christmas magic in the air, after all.

Mairon talks to his family, and no one gets mad. There’s too many years and burnt bridges and things done—or not done—for them to make up, just like that, but it’s a start.

Manwë and Melkor talk. They’re older now, no longer teenagers, and with the years in between—and Eru dead—they can talk about it, now, their shared childhood, everything that was and no longer is.

All that’s missing is Celebrimbor.

A knock at the door.

 _I came to say_ , Celebrimbor says—

 _Whatever you have to say, no need_ , Mairon says. _I care for you. And I’m hardly strictly monogamous, after all._

Celebrimbor is hesitant, but willing to try to make things work. They, none of them, know what’s going to happen, but it’s worth a shot.

 _You wouldn’t happen to know where Fëanor hid his jewels, would you?_ Melkor asks.

Celebrimbor doesn’t. But Maedhros does. And Melkor remembers the caves where they came from, filled with rock structures and glittering stone, like a glistening spray of stars against dark sky, enough to take anyone’s breath away.

 _This is it_ , Celebrimbor says. _This is how we save Valinor_.

And so, maybe they do get their happy ending. It’s not an easy path, no, filled with arguments and negotiations and tears, but it’s better than another world they don’t know, one where Feanor’s jewels nearly destroy Valinor instead of save it.

But in this universe, where Christmas has some power after all, there can be more laughter than tears, and the only rings Mairon creates are wedding rings—three of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand this brings us to the end of my tolkien crack week 2020 submissions. hope you enjoyed, and stick around for more fic (if i ever get around to writing it)

**Author's Note:**

> title from einstein's quote: god does not play dice with the universe


End file.
